Liberty Tree Vol 2. Issue 1
★★ October 30, 1998 ★★
$1.00
Liberty City Ranked Worst Place in America. Again.
It's the prize no city wants to win. The award no one wants. Like a schoolboy informed he does not play well with others, Liberty City has once more been voted "The least likely place to succeed in America."
Eight out of the past twelve years the city has won this dubious accolade, and this year was the first that the city topped the bill in 6 out of 7 categories.
Liberty City was not "The city where you were most likely to get eaten by a wild animal" (that dubious honor went to Los Santos) but was considered the place you were most likely to get mugged or robbed, die of diseases caused by pollution, be exposed to lethal amounts of radiation, become an alcoholic or drug addict, get accidental gender re-alignment or marry a relative.
City officials claimed "People should not get so excited about reports like this. The fact is our town is a vibrant, energetic place that people love."
"If you take a few simple precautions, like wearing a gasmask and having a full-time military trained body guard, you are just as safe and happy in Liberty City as any other profoundly dangerous urban environment."
Mayor Hole was unavailable for comment but is known to be a big fan of the city, especially after the fortune he made in local politics.
Crime on Rise
Statistics To Blame Says Mayor, Mafia.
"Motorcycles Kill Kids and Must Be Banned" Say Protest Group
A new protest group is pushing hard to have all forms of two-wheeled transport banned from our city streets. Following the successful banning of bicycles from Liberty City a few years ago, American Road Safety for Everybody (A.R.S.E.) has been pushing hard in recent weeks to get motorcycles banned from the city.
They quote some chilling statistics to support their case, although some believe they may have made these up. An A.R.S.E. spokesman told the Liberty Tree, "Motorcycles cause more deaths per year than old age. They are the number one killer in our city and must be banned."
He continued, "If the city doesn't take action, then we the people are going to have to start. People on motorcycles are trying to kill all of us, so we at A.R.S.E. say it's time to fight back."
"All bikers will be treated as fair game going forward and every civic-minded citizen is encouraged to knock these killers off their motorcycles."
A.R.S.E. was founded thanks to a generous donation from the Maibatsu Corporation of America. The car giant yesterday unveiled plans for its next generation of cars and trucks, including the Monstrosity, an SUV that promises, "It will revolutionize the suburbs" and is expected to hit the streets sometime in 2001.
There were some technical issues at the demonstration as the prototype had to be filled using a gasoline tanker and was running partially on jet fuel. A minor fire broke out but only a couple of people were hurt, only one of which is likely to be permanently disfigured. A.R.S.E. continues its fight.
Politics Today
R.C. Hole in Another Probe
"Mayor Hole is up to his old tricks again," claims a real estate mogul. The City is to investigate Hole, who has been at City Hall since 1992 and has already survived three major scandals.
There was the famous million dollar lunch incident in 1993, in which Hole, three Russian prostitutes and a senior manager from a construction company were trying to secure government contracts.
Then there was the incident in 1995, when Hole was photographed having lunch with members of the Forelli crime family. And lastly there was an incident last year in which he was accused of securing drugs for city officials in exchange for sanitation contracts.
Now, according to Donald Love, part-time resident and a very rich man indeed, "Hole is up to his neck in filth once more."
Love claims he has evidence to prove Hole had accepted bribes in exchange for city construction contracts. "I will be challenging Hole and his corrupt regime any way I can."
"If I can't get the court to take me seriously, like all very rich men, I will challenge him by running for mayor. I have no previous political experience, but again, I am very rich, and you can't beat that."
Shoot People for the State
Join Liberty City's Finest Today